Alan
11-20-2003, 07:10 AM
The Darwin Awards are given annually to the person who kills themselves in the dumbest way possible … honorable mentions are for those who should have died but didn’t. And so, without further ado … (yes, this year’s pool of candidates is not nearly as creative as in the past, but maybe the genes are starting to exit the gene pool)
Subject: And the winner...
> The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:
>
> When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
>during
> a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
> something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
> tried the trigger again. This time it worked...
>
> _____
>
> And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
>
> The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
> machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
> insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
> its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
> finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
> _____
>
>
> A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
>a
> blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
> the space. Understandably, he shot her. (it was Chicago after all)
>
> _____
>
>
> After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
> found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
>from
> Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
>the
> driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
> free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
> telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
> bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
> _____
>
> An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
> wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
> injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
> he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> _____
>
>
> A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
> and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
> pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
> promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
>leaving
> the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
> drawer... $15.
>
> (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
> committed?)
>
> _____
>
>
> A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
>carrying
> a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
> MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
> Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and
> doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
> about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
> got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
> event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
>words,
> "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
>
> _____
>
>
> Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
>he'd
> just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
> and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the
> window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
> head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
> Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> _____
>
>
> As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
> her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
> able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
>minutes,
> the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
> back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
> stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
>that's
> her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> _____
>
>
> The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
> King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
>cash.
> The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
> register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
> clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
> walked away.
>
> _____
>
>
> A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER
>
> When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
> Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
>at
> the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
> spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
> to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
> sewage tank by mistake.
>
> The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
> the best laugh he'd ever had.
Subject: And the winner...
> The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:
>
> When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
>during
> a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
> something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
> tried the trigger again. This time it worked...
>
> _____
>
> And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
>
> The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
> machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
> insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
> its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
> finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
> _____
>
>
> A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
>a
> blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
> the space. Understandably, he shot her. (it was Chicago after all)
>
> _____
>
>
> After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
> found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
>from
> Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
>the
> driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
> free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
> telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to
> bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
> _____
>
> An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
> wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
> injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
> he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> _____
>
>
> A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
> and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
> pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
> promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
>leaving
> the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
> drawer... $15.
>
> (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
> committed?)
>
> _____
>
>
> A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
>carrying
> a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
> MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
> Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and
> doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
> about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
> got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
> event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
>words,
> "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
>
> _____
>
>
> Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
>he'd
> just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
> and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the
> window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
> head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
> Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> _____
>
>
> As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
> her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
> able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
>minutes,
> the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
> back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
> stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
>that's
> her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> _____
>
>
> The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
> King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
>cash.
> The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
> register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
> clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
> walked away.
>
> _____
>
>
> A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER
>
> When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
> Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
>at
> the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
> spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
> to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
> sewage tank by mistake.
>
> The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
> the best laugh he'd ever had.